Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Unbearable pain

tion from within myself. I have been very depressed; actually, even worse, dissociated from reality as I wither in suffering alone. Each time I breath is an agony, as I have said many times. To overcome this, to overcome this, I try to find a solution to this unexplainable pain; How did using Powerlung cause such an irreparable damage to the muscles that are used for breathing? Sure, when I got the  green model, I didn't know that it ould be to so tough to breath in and out against the resistance. I was a fool to believe in their advertisement, that I will be able to breathe deeper and harder; it rather tore apart me inside. Now I'm doing my best to breathe lightly in order to limit the pain. At the same time, I must grit my teeth and move in order to not worsen my overall physical being/condition due to lack of movement. Humans were born to be active, just like any other living beings. We are hunter and gatherers, made to run, get animals, eat them. This inactivity is killing me. The paradox is that moving too much worsenes my pain. And my physical threshold is very very low. This is a delicate situation; a catch=22. I must move around in order to regain my health, but moving around will worsen my pain. What do I do? This pain has been going on for 2.5 years, hitting 3 years in just 6 months. Ahhhh, what will other people do in my situation? kill themselves or become strong enough continue living?

I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle school at this rate; in fact, I feel much worse than I have been feeling physically when I was in korea 2 weeks ago. Agh

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