Friday, January 3, 2014

woke up from pain

          Slept at 10:30 p.m. on 1.2. to wake up around 2, feeling breathless. It felt like my abs were about to tear apart. My diaphragm (and therefore, the chest area) was feeling worse so I still had no choice but to use stomach breathing only, trying to limit chest expanding as much as possible. Now I'm wide awake... fuck
i'm worried about school. How can I spend 3~5 hours of intense movement when I can barely take two 20 minute walks, with 8 hours of rest in between them?
         When you are going through hell, keep going. Keep going Jin, you can do it.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Unbearable pain

tion from within myself. I have been very depressed; actually, even worse, dissociated from reality as I wither in suffering alone. Each time I breath is an agony, as I have said many times. To overcome this, to overcome this, I try to find a solution to this unexplainable pain; How did using Powerlung cause such an irreparable damage to the muscles that are used for breathing? Sure, when I got the  green model, I didn't know that it ould be to so tough to breath in and out against the resistance. I was a fool to believe in their advertisement, that I will be able to breathe deeper and harder; it rather tore apart me inside. Now I'm doing my best to breathe lightly in order to limit the pain. At the same time, I must grit my teeth and move in order to not worsen my overall physical being/condition due to lack of movement. Humans were born to be active, just like any other living beings. We are hunter and gatherers, made to run, get animals, eat them. This inactivity is killing me. The paradox is that moving too much worsenes my pain. And my physical threshold is very very low. This is a delicate situation; a catch=22. I must move around in order to regain my health, but moving around will worsen my pain. What do I do? This pain has been going on for 2.5 years, hitting 3 years in just 6 months. Ahhhh, what will other people do in my situation? kill themselves or become strong enough continue living?

I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle school at this rate; in fact, I feel much worse than I have been feeling physically when I was in korea 2 weeks ago. Agh

Friday, December 27, 2013

Getting used to moving around.

     For 3 days in a row, I walked to the 201/202 bus stop from my place, which is about 1.2 miles roundtrip. You may be thinking, "so what?" However, for me, it is quite an achievement. For the past 2 years I have been lying down about 22~23 hours a day in pain; just breathing itself was unbearable.

I have come far within last 6 months. Taking a long break in S. Korea was the best choice I made in last 2.5 years, haha. I'm trying to sit and walk around as much as I can, and reduce the time I'm lying down. I have become really good at lying down; it's all I did for a while. Now, I sit at least for an hour and review chem for the chem 7L, because it has been 2 years since I did any gen. chem work. School is starting in 9 days and I'm trying to get used to being active. It is hard, but I have to do it.

This is the point in my life in which I either wither away or thrive. If I cannot handle 5 classes (3 of them being labs, 4~6 hours/day, oh fck me...) and graduate this summer, I really wouldn't be able to survive in thie capitalistic society. The only skill (if you could call it that) is that I can speak English... that's it. A 23 year old male/man who can speak english with no college degree; that isn't very useful.

Anyways, I have lost 2.5 years due to sever pain. I have to be as effecient as possible from now on, no matter how much it hurts to breathe. I will most likely live with this condition, but what can I do other than to accept it? Be strong Jin, be strong. Keep going no matter what.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

2013 is ending soon...

It has been over 3 years since my last blog. In that period of time, I have gotten my green card so I'm no longer undocumented (good thing!). However, I got a severe injury on 6/19/2011 which progressed into a debilitating chronic pain (affected my breathing) that ruined my life...

I miss being able to surf; actually I just miss being able to handle life. I cannot do much due to pain. Just sitting is excruciatingly painful; anything other than lying down is pain for me. I stopped seeing friends since I was so miserable in pain; I now have handful of people I contact sometimes; once a month? jesus, I am alone. I cannot commute to school since it is so painful to just move around. I spend most of my time lying down, reading kindle since sitting is also painful after several minutes. But I grit my teeth and try to lengthen the total time I can spend walking around and sitting to get stuff done. I am very afraid of what I will be able to do from now on. I am 23 year old; I'm not sure if I can even complete 3 lab classes needed to graduate since they are 5 hours long. Can I even hold down a job? How will I function in a society?

I look completely normal on the outside; people have hard time believing me when I tell them that I have severe chronic pain and lie down. They think that I'm crazy... which is partially true since the pain does drive me crazy.

I have recently moved to a new address to prep for school... I haven't told the new housemates/landlord about my physical condition since it will affect the way they treat me/look at me. Since it is a very quiet and private place, and we rarely hang out, I have decided to not tell them and keep our relationship as normal as possible. Without them judging me or thinking ahead to not bother me because of the pain. I had sam gyup sal with two guys; it was a good time but also a torture as I had trouble eating too much due to pain. It was a labor to keep chewing the meat; I was caring about the mechanism of chewing and swalloing instead of tasting the meat, since the pain made me focus on it. God, I'm blabbering too much.

Even though I took 5.5 month break in S. Korea, I haven't healed as much as I wanted. Before I went back, I was really suffering; because the pain was so bad that it scared me to not move as much as possible, my overall physical condition deteriorated.

I now know that this pain could most likely be permanent, so I might as well as move as much as possible to keep myself in shape. As idiotic/weird as it sounds like, there is a distinction between my chronic pain for breathing vs overall physical condition. I need to move around, sit, and live life despite the fact that it will hurt way more than if I just lied down to minimize breathing movements. It is really hard to explain it right now, so I will need to collect myself and explain it.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Favorite Animes

So I watched many animes so far and here is my list
best anime - cowboy bebop
favorite anime - Gurren Lagann
The difficult part is putting them into a list, so I'll say that those two are tied for the #1 spot.
 2. Outlaw Star

Actually, screw the list. I'm going to jot down animes that really stick to my mind.
Hellsing, GunXsword, Trigun, Higurashi, Shigurui, K-on, Love Hina, ...??..?

Hmm, not as many as I thought.  Oh well! =)

Saturday, December 18, 2010

The Dream Act did not pass the Senate

This morning, I woke up to check that The Dream Act, a bill which grants conditional green card to qualifying undocumented students, failed to pass the Senate by 5 votes (55 - 41). Was I disappointed? Yes.
Does that mean that my dream & other undocumented students' dreams are over? NO.
^ this is a link for a video called "Toonami Dreams." For those who watched/know Toonami, it WAS an awesome part of Cartoon Network which showed dubbed animes (Cowboy Bebop, Big O, Blue Submarine No.6, Outlaw Star, Gundam Wing, etc), all the good shows which showed audience how hard life is. Many of the characters struggle to get by or survive nearly each episode. Despite many failures and loss, these characters grow up and start kicking ass to reach their goal; finally obtaining their dreams.

Now, Toonami doesn't exist (unfortunately for those younger generation who wouldn't be exposed to the rare gem in thousands of tv shows). However, does that mean that the audience have forgotten how Toonami helped us grow, enjoy and live life? To this day, I remember staying up late to watch Ruroni Kenshin and Cowboy Bebop with my two younger brothers back in high school days. Good times, good ol' times~
Fortunately, my younger bro is now an otaku who specializes in watching hundreds of animes and recommend the good ones to me.

Similar to Toonami, the D.A. have taught me about politics, teamwork and beauty of hardship despite the fact that it has failed to pass. I wouldn't be able to get a driver license, work legally, have slimmer chance of getting into med school or enjoy life not as fully as other people due to my status. Does that stop me from trying even harder to do my best and enjoy my amazing life? Nope; I have few, but good friends to hang out with, family who never leaves me alone and I live by the beach (with only 15minute bike ride away)!

If you are feeling disappointed, sad, angry and bitter about the D.A. not passing through, I feel you. However, don't let that stop you from growing even stronger. You are not alone, for there are 65,000 high school students who graduate each year undocumented; and upto 10 million undocumented people in the U.S.